Happiness versus Contentment

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be happy. For me, happiness is more short-term; you can be happy one day and not the next. But the key to really being satisfied in life is to be content, which is long-term. To me contentment means you are proud of your life and feel like you have done everything in your control to change what you want to change, or you have no regrets. I feel I have a lot to show for the past 30 years, and I don't really have any regrets, so I've been very content.

But lately I've started to question my definitions, because I realized that I haven't truly been happy at any points in my life. I've been happy for a few hours or so at a time, but underneath that was more of pride and satisfaction after an accomplishment. But I've been so disappointed and hurt, and have pursued so many endeavors alone, that lately I've been feeling more angry and sad. I've always enjoyed laughing, but I think I was mostly crying on the inside. I now cry more on the outside, perhaps because I am getting that balance that we all need. I've laughed a lot, and maybe now it's time to balance that with crying more and healing deep wounds.

I feel slightly resentful about this possibility, but is happiness determined by having that special life partner? Even though I've achieved a lot, I haven't truly had anyone really close to me to cheer me on or give me support when I failed. My father was abusive and my mother was just trying to survive with that. So lately I've been feeling more alone and have realized how alone I've been for a long time, leading me to feel even more depressed. Regarding that need for balance, I've always worked so hard that now it's time to cut back on those hours a bit and focus on having more time to myself and a social life.

So maybe that's what happiness means, to feel balanced. A friend of mine said it could also mean always having something to look forward to. I've always had things to look forward to, but they were more work-related. And I've always worked hard, perhaps too hard, even in the dating area. I decided to stop working so hard, and have found that I've been happier the past few days.

And I have a couple dates to look forward to.

Need

I was feeling a little angry this morning while going through my purse because I remembered a few times when things were stolen from me, or when my toes were stepped on. Recently a colleague used the back door way of getting a leadership opportunity that was originally assigned to me. Once a coworker had taken money from my purse. And another time, a book that had sentimental value was taken from my office.

The one thing that's helping me deal with the anger is something one of my supervisors told me: "If something of mine gets stolen I think 'they must've needed it more than I did.' " That's quite big of him.

I'm still trying to have that level of empathy and regard for others.

One possibility,

is, continuing on from my last post, that since I have the strength to handle it, I chose my childhood experience in order to learn from it and be able to better educate others in, and advocate for victims of, domestic violence.

But what about others? Did they, including victims, choose their own paths as well?

Asking for it?

To a large extent I believe that we create our own realities, and that we subconsciously choose the paths we walk, perhaps for the purpose of growing, or learning something. I believe, as posited by the Hindu philosophy, that as our souls come onto earth, they are perfect and a part of God, the overall Universe. With socialization and experience, our souls get surrounded with "stuff" that covers our core, which is inherently good. But it's this "stuff" that others mostly see, and so it can be easy to not see the good core.

I like, for the most part, the person I am. My experiences and challenges have made me the person I am now, so to a large degree I am grateful for my experiences even though much of my childhood was scary and stressful. It has taught me how to love, what's important in life, how to be independent, and how to be motivated to reach my goals.

But I am also a big victim advocate. So what I am struggling with is that if I, on some level, chose my childhood experience of abuse, was I "asking for it?" Did my soul purposefully choose my parents and my experiences? Because in our material world, I do not at all believe that abuse victims ask to be abused. How do I reconcile this?

Resolution check

I was reading a previous post I titled "Reality Check" and realized how conceited it sounds. I'm not really at the point of working toward self-actualization. Well, I mean, yes, we all are, just at different stages in the process. But my post made it sound like I'm very far along. Yes, I can forgive myself, apologize to others and learn from mistakes probably more than average, but when it comes to self-actualization, well, I've realized how much farther away I really am.

Given that it is now June, I thought it was the right time to reflect on the progress I've made with regard to my new year's resolutions. I haven't been as perfect and disciplined as I'd like to be, but I have improved in that I meditate more, remind myself to be in the "here and now", remind myself to not make assumptions about people and situations, and often count my blessings before going to bed. These things have really helped me to cope with challenges and be more content.

But with more self-actualization that I would like to achieve, there is so much more work I need to do. In this crisis I'm going through I realized how much my judgmental personality, a negative worldview, and being unrealistically perfectionistic has made me unhappy. Following-through on my new year's resolutions has helped to cope, but I feel like I've taken on these attributes as a result of having an abusive childhood. They have helped me to survive, but if I want to be really happy now that I'm safe from the abuse, I need to change some things. I need to heal on a much deeper level than just doing these more cognitive activities that help me in the short run.

I hope to, slowly but surely, get there.