Happiness versus Contentment

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be happy. For me, happiness is more short-term; you can be happy one day and not the next. But the key to really being satisfied in life is to be content, which is long-term. To me contentment means you are proud of your life and feel like you have done everything in your control to change what you want to change, or you have no regrets. I feel I have a lot to show for the past 30 years, and I don't really have any regrets, so I've been very content.

But lately I've started to question my definitions, because I realized that I haven't truly been happy at any points in my life. I've been happy for a few hours or so at a time, but underneath that was more of pride and satisfaction after an accomplishment. But I've been so disappointed and hurt, and have pursued so many endeavors alone, that lately I've been feeling more angry and sad. I've always enjoyed laughing, but I think I was mostly crying on the inside. I now cry more on the outside, perhaps because I am getting that balance that we all need. I've laughed a lot, and maybe now it's time to balance that with crying more and healing deep wounds.

I feel slightly resentful about this possibility, but is happiness determined by having that special life partner? Even though I've achieved a lot, I haven't truly had anyone really close to me to cheer me on or give me support when I failed. My father was abusive and my mother was just trying to survive with that. So lately I've been feeling more alone and have realized how alone I've been for a long time, leading me to feel even more depressed. Regarding that need for balance, I've always worked so hard that now it's time to cut back on those hours a bit and focus on having more time to myself and a social life.

So maybe that's what happiness means, to feel balanced. A friend of mine said it could also mean always having something to look forward to. I've always had things to look forward to, but they were more work-related. And I've always worked hard, perhaps too hard, even in the dating area. I decided to stop working so hard, and have found that I've been happier the past few days.

And I have a couple dates to look forward to.