Power and Control

Why is it, especially with accomplished and successful people, that there still exists within them a need to be in power and have control? For example, shouldn't tenured professors welcome students who challenge and develop their own ideas? After all, they have tenure and have already proven themselves in many ways. A very good friend of mine and I had discussed that the need for power comes from the primal need for us to protect ourselves, and we will do what we need to to control, so that we don't become controlled by someone else. And it will take many many more years of evolving to get to the point where we don't have that need, and stop resorting to violence.

And it's been hard for me to admit that I'm also guilty of being competitive and in some ways, even wanting power. I thought at first that I didn't, that I've been successful in many ways and have been happy with myself. So, I felt like I shouldn't have the need to feel competitive. But even at this point in my life I still find myself getting jealous and being competitive. So why should I think that I'd handle things better than the next person if I do become a tenured professor?

Is knowing really half the battle? At times it doesn't feel like it's enough.

The ultimate need

The people who are the least likeable are the ones who need to be loved the most, but it is so hard to do.

Focus

I've been good about sticking to my new years resolution and meditating at least 4 times per week. It's good concentration practice for the mind, and I found that I could focus on my work better today after meditating. It's definitely hard and challenging, a struggle to keep other thoughts out of your mind as you just focus on your breathing, or a mantra. But part of the meditation process is not to fight off the tangential thoughts, but notice them, pay attention to them, and make note of a pattern among the thoughts to get insight into why our minds wander, and what that means.

My mind is always wandering to all the other things I need to do that day or later in the week. So I found that the theme of my tangential thoughts is "jumping the gun." Perhaps I have been conditioned to do that, growing up in a household of turmoil and abuse. Without being allowed to take the time to think, I was forced to quickly figure out my next move. It's also easy for me, well I guess for everyone to a degree, to jump the gun and worry, and assume the worst about a situation.

This hasn't always been a bad thing in my life. Being able to multitask, so to speak, in this way has allowed me to be able to handle many responsibilities at once, plan for the future, and predict problems so that I could remedy them before-hand. But today my ego was bruised a little after hearing that a colleague got a piece of writing published and she will be presenting it at a national conference. Granted there are more things in my personal life that I have, and that I can handle better, than her, but lately I've been feeling like I am the Jill of all trades, but not really exceling in any one. I'm good with time-management and following-through, and exercising and taking care of myself, and making time for family and friends. But I haven't yet had one significant accomplishment in any career I've purused.

So is it in fact narcissistic to be taking the time to take care of oneself? What's the point of being good at administrative stuff in your life if you're not making a significant impact in your career, or making your mark in this world?

Be careful,

of what you say, because it might come true.

Maya

Maya in Sanskrit is "illusion." I've been fascinated by the concept and it makes sense to me. It means that everything material, everything that is earthly, is simply an illusion and to be attached to those things can keep you from reaching salvation. It makes sense; life isn't about getting material things like cars, clothes or money. According to his Hindu philosophy, we should only acquire what we need to do our duty and good, honorable work. In the same way, we should do good work without being attached to the results. By remaining unselfish and emotionally unattached, we can bring about more positive change.

Another way to look at Maya is that it is perception. And everyone's perception of the world is going to be different. Everyone's reality is different, and it is just as real and valid as the next person's. But then I struggle with, so, if there is no one real truth, then why do we fight for our political beliefs as if they are? I mean, it is impossible to honor all the different realities if we have to share the same society with everyone else and govern rules for it. I think people should be open-minded. But if someone is not open-minded and so I discount his or her beliefs, am I really being open-minded? And why is open-mindedness so important? Why is it necessary? What is wrong with believing strongly in something, and not changing it, if it makes sense or works?

So I feel a little like I am being contradictory when I say I don't believe in one reality, but then look at conservative views that are different from my liberal ones as "wrong." It makes sense to me that the world is more interesting because we have unique individuals with their own beliefs. I mean, it would be boring if we were all the same. But, the religious beliefs I subscribe to make so much sense to me, that I look at them as truth, and so in turn it makes sense that others should too.

I would love to communicate with anyone who grapples with this, and would be elated if anyone has reconciled this gapI see between truth and perception. What is your idea of reality? Is there just one and only one truth?

Fear

River Selkie has recently shared her desire to make further progress on her writing and her creation of a "higher power" giving her deadlines to help facilitate that progress. A very good friend of mine and I discussed this challenge in life: why is it that we have a hard time getting motivated to do something that we really do want to accomplish? I've had similar struggles lately. I can't seem to sit down and concentrate on writing I have to do for school, even though I enjoy writing about those topics. I've wondered a lot lately if it is because I am lazy; because after all, I do spend a lot of time daydreaming and thinking about how I would rather be on a date than being at home working.

This good friend gave one explanation which makes a lot of sense: fear of success. Fear of failure makes sense, but fear of success? Yes, perhaps because once we reach success we'll feel like we have come to the end of a road and then, where to turn?

Another good friend of mine had said a while ago that the reason we dwell on the "negative" experiences and they have a stronger impact on us than the "positive" ones is because the negative ones play on our fears, a primal feeling. * That is why we feel hurt longer than happiness. By getting hurt by a romantic interest, it is fear that we are unworthy underlying the hurt. So perhaps I'm feeling fear of getting knocked-down. If I work hard on this manuscript and send it to my advisor, who I admire, what if he says it's still not good enough?

But yesterday and today made a lot of progress on this manuscript and the momentum of the work I accomplished has given me the energy and motivation to keep going (well, for the most part anyway. ;) ). So perhaps the way to approach any feat is to just not think about it, close your eyes, and jump. Kind of like with me and roller coasters: the anticipation of the experience is worse than the ride itself and I'm still alive in the end. With writing, I find that I spend too much time worrying about how hard it's going to be when that time could be spent actually writing. And after being in school for almost 20 years, you'd think each time I'd remember sooner that by just starting the paper I'll feel better and then find it easier to keep going. And as I keep going, I am consoled that I have some ability in this, and that I'm not lazy; in fact, just like many others in our society today, I just at times feel overwhelmed with everything I've taken on.

* I used the words negative and positive in quotes because I remembered a yoga teacher in the past who said there is no good or bad, there just is. Positive experiences can be viewed as negative, and vice versa, for negative experiences can also be good if you learn something from them. He said, "Don't worry, for worrying is just praying for something you don't want to happen." Beautifully said.

Missing out?

Continuing from my last entry, I'm 29 years-old and I have never been in love. That seems so sad to me. Life feels even shorter now that I'm turning 30 in a couple months, and time has gone by so fast. So maybe love is a greater force that controls you in good time? I wonder, is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I probably am missing out on a great experience, but is being in love really better than the heartache that comes with losing love?

To do, or to be done to?

Up until now, I thought I had it all figured out. That love is not a feeling, or a thing to be acquired, but that it is something you do, an action. And for the most part I still believe that. You get those great feelings by doing the act of love (i.e. speaking various love languages such as gift-giving, words of affection, acts of service, physical touch, spending quality time with the person).

And to me, liking someone is less voluntary. You may not like a family member (i.e. find their qualities appealing), but love them anyway because they are family, and family members watch out for each other. And it's easy to love when times are great, but people need to be loved more when times are not so great, which is also more difficult to do.

But lately I'm finding that it is much harder to love someone you do not like. And if love is something you do, why am I finding it hard to love the guy I've been dating for the past few months? He loves and cares for me, but I do not love him back. If love is an action, then you should be able to learn to do it, and so I thought compatibility in marriage is more important than love, because the love can grow with time. But I'm compatible with this guy in a number of ways, yet I am not loving him back.

So is love a larger force that consumes you, rather than simply an action you can choose to do?

New Years

Why are new years resolutions so hard to set or follow-through on? Or perhaps the bigger question is, why don't we take effort to change so that we can get the things we really want? I've never really set concrete New Years resolutions in the past, but this year I am up to the challenge so that I can improve my life and feel more happy and content. I decided to use the problem-solving method to help determine attainable goals. I've identified the "problems" as:

-Not being present and in the "here and now" leading me to miss out on some of the better parts of life, and missing important information that can impact my work.
-Making assumptions about people, that often lead me to feel uncared about.

My goals are:
-To be in the present and not have my mind get caught up in fruitless negative thinking.
-Not make assumptions about people nor assume the worst, love and have regard for others unconditionally, and be consistent in my behavior with others, rather than the moodiness I tend to have.

My resolutions for 2006 to help get closer to my goals are:
-Whenever I am caught up in fruitless thinking or thoughts that take me away from the "here and now" tell myself "stop the thoughts" and pay attention to the present by focusing on what my senses are taking in.
-Meditate 4 times per week.
-Whenever I find myself passing judgement on others, reminding myself that I do not have all the information about them, stay positive, and do just what is in my control.
-Remind myself of what I have to be thankful for whenever I get caught up in negative thinking.

This way, whoever reads this can hold me accountable by asking me how I'm doing. :) Anyone have new years resolutions they care to share?