Fear

River Selkie has recently shared her desire to make further progress on her writing and her creation of a "higher power" giving her deadlines to help facilitate that progress. A very good friend of mine and I discussed this challenge in life: why is it that we have a hard time getting motivated to do something that we really do want to accomplish? I've had similar struggles lately. I can't seem to sit down and concentrate on writing I have to do for school, even though I enjoy writing about those topics. I've wondered a lot lately if it is because I am lazy; because after all, I do spend a lot of time daydreaming and thinking about how I would rather be on a date than being at home working.

This good friend gave one explanation which makes a lot of sense: fear of success. Fear of failure makes sense, but fear of success? Yes, perhaps because once we reach success we'll feel like we have come to the end of a road and then, where to turn?

Another good friend of mine had said a while ago that the reason we dwell on the "negative" experiences and they have a stronger impact on us than the "positive" ones is because the negative ones play on our fears, a primal feeling. * That is why we feel hurt longer than happiness. By getting hurt by a romantic interest, it is fear that we are unworthy underlying the hurt. So perhaps I'm feeling fear of getting knocked-down. If I work hard on this manuscript and send it to my advisor, who I admire, what if he says it's still not good enough?

But yesterday and today made a lot of progress on this manuscript and the momentum of the work I accomplished has given me the energy and motivation to keep going (well, for the most part anyway. ;) ). So perhaps the way to approach any feat is to just not think about it, close your eyes, and jump. Kind of like with me and roller coasters: the anticipation of the experience is worse than the ride itself and I'm still alive in the end. With writing, I find that I spend too much time worrying about how hard it's going to be when that time could be spent actually writing. And after being in school for almost 20 years, you'd think each time I'd remember sooner that by just starting the paper I'll feel better and then find it easier to keep going. And as I keep going, I am consoled that I have some ability in this, and that I'm not lazy; in fact, just like many others in our society today, I just at times feel overwhelmed with everything I've taken on.

* I used the words negative and positive in quotes because I remembered a yoga teacher in the past who said there is no good or bad, there just is. Positive experiences can be viewed as negative, and vice versa, for negative experiences can also be good if you learn something from them. He said, "Don't worry, for worrying is just praying for something you don't want to happen." Beautifully said.