Focus

I've been good about sticking to my new years resolution and meditating at least 4 times per week. It's good concentration practice for the mind, and I found that I could focus on my work better today after meditating. It's definitely hard and challenging, a struggle to keep other thoughts out of your mind as you just focus on your breathing, or a mantra. But part of the meditation process is not to fight off the tangential thoughts, but notice them, pay attention to them, and make note of a pattern among the thoughts to get insight into why our minds wander, and what that means.

My mind is always wandering to all the other things I need to do that day or later in the week. So I found that the theme of my tangential thoughts is "jumping the gun." Perhaps I have been conditioned to do that, growing up in a household of turmoil and abuse. Without being allowed to take the time to think, I was forced to quickly figure out my next move. It's also easy for me, well I guess for everyone to a degree, to jump the gun and worry, and assume the worst about a situation.

This hasn't always been a bad thing in my life. Being able to multitask, so to speak, in this way has allowed me to be able to handle many responsibilities at once, plan for the future, and predict problems so that I could remedy them before-hand. But today my ego was bruised a little after hearing that a colleague got a piece of writing published and she will be presenting it at a national conference. Granted there are more things in my personal life that I have, and that I can handle better, than her, but lately I've been feeling like I am the Jill of all trades, but not really exceling in any one. I'm good with time-management and following-through, and exercising and taking care of myself, and making time for family and friends. But I haven't yet had one significant accomplishment in any career I've purused.

So is it in fact narcissistic to be taking the time to take care of oneself? What's the point of being good at administrative stuff in your life if you're not making a significant impact in your career, or making your mark in this world?