Change

No important change has ever been made without someone being bodly provocative.

Permanence?

It seems to me like the Christian idea of heaven and the Hindu idea of reincarnation are really just two different ways humans have found to get a sense of having permanence for themselves. They are just two different reflections of the human ego's desire to be immortal, or feel special. But it seems to me,

some of life's most beautiful things are laregly beautiful because they are temporary.

Technology,

much like the prefrontal lobe, is a gift and a curse.

Luck

Related to my "meaning of life" post, I've been thinking a lot lately about how it seems to me, at least at this point in my life, that there is no inherent meaning to life but rather, it's whatever meaning we put to it. And, so much of what happens to us is luck, good or bad. I'm currently reading Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers and he does an incredible job explaining how much luck and the context within which we are born explain the paths our lives take. It's a controversial book but to the critical eye, and certainly to me, it makes a lot of sense. How can we not appreciate the context in which we were born and not see how that contributes to who we become? I could've been born as a starving child in Africa, but I wasn't. The more I remind myself that I think, "wow, how lucky am I? I've been lucky to have a life that led me to this beautiful apartment, have pretty good health and have a rich life in which I get to pursue my interests. I better use those abilities to the fullest and not take things for granted."

This holiday season I've noticed significant growth in myself. It's easier for me to forgive and not sweat the small stuff. And surprisingly enough, the idea of luck and the inherent unfairness of life has allowed me to get to this point. For a long time I was angry and resentful of how my sister, despite us having the same abusive home as children, has been able to trust men and be in a couple relationships in which both were in love. I felt for so long that I was constantly a third wheel, that love was easier for everyone else, that I couldn't do as much as my sister because I held myself back due to wanting to be a psychological safety net for my mom. My sister got to go on fun long-weekend trips with friends while I was stuck with mom. She allows herself to do what she wants without apology. And I would think, "How the hell can she do it? Does she ever think about me and how my circumstances didn't allow me to do what I wanted to do?" But my sister was just being herself, living her life. And she was at a party when the love of her life decided to approach her and strike up a conversation. Now when I think about it, I can't be angry with her because being mad about her getting dealt a better hand at love seems silly and futile.

Of course I know I'm not alone. I'm not the only 30-something woman who's single or the only person jealous of a sibling, or the only person who feels like everyone else is having more fun than her. Nonetheless, my feelings are my feelings. I feel lonely at times and that's okay. I don't have to justify it. I like hugs and get upset at the thought that now I get maybe one per month, and not even a good one. And it's okay that I get upset about that. It's okay that I'm angry about not having sex when I had a very strong libido, and I worry that my days of great sex might be behind me. My feelings are my feelings; I'm human and I have a right to notice when things are not how I want them to be. I now have self-acceptance about worrying that I might spend new years eve alone, and it's a valid one. I'm pretty intelligent, self-aware, engaged in life, introspective, and very resourceful, so telling someone like me others are also alone on new years or that I should find a way to still make it fun for myself is useless and  infuriating. Sometimes all I want is empathy. Though an outside perspective might see my worries as irrational, my world since I was a child has often been a lonely and scary one, something people who are quick to problem-solve or normalize will never come close to understanding.

Now, my greater level of peace with such unfair aspects of life could partly be explained by allowing myself distance from family, being able to foster my interests and talents, and reflecting on the many ways in which I'm lucky that my sister is not. Right now I am sitting with her and her boyfriend watching a movie. I love his company. I feel like I made a new friend. That's not to say that if they announce their engagement that my heart won't feel a little heavy, but I feel like now I'm handling their relationship like a grownup. And the surprising contradiction is, seeing luck as the explanation allowed me to stop my psychological fight that was hurting only me.

As Sam Harris so beautifully says "Many of us have been extraordinarily lucky—and we did not earn it. Many good people have been extraordinarily unlucky—and they did not deserve it."  Life is not fair. So much is based on luck and probabilities. (Yes, yes, probability doesn't exist only in the math classroom. ;)  ). The relationship between certain qualities in people yielding certain results for their lives is not always linear. A lot of people meet their loves by chance, not because they went through a series of actions that would guarantee them love, as if it were a linear equation. It's not like: losing weight + putting on makeup + doing online dating = guaranteed marriage. !

It is what it is. Things are what they are. Choosing to put up a wall between me and my sister wouldn't stop her from living her life, it would just allow me and her to grow farther apart. And when I realized that, it was so much easier to stop fighting.

Courage

With challenging the status quo or critically analyzing ideas comes frustration, but it is so worth it. For me it has also come with feeling alienated but therein lies the beauty and courage. If we didn't take the risk to do what we believe in, no progress could be made.

Meaning of Life

This just came to me while running this morning:

In life, we don't choose a pre-defined path. We create our own, while leaving our footprints as inspiration for generations after us.

The more that I think about the notion that things happen for a reason, the more I disagree with it. In a way, it is condoning victimizing someone. So I was meant to be abused as a child? So I'd grow up to be strong, or know how to help others? That's a bit messed up. It just so happens that I have the strength and ability to overcome the effects of my past, and I feel that makes me obligated to help those who can't help themselves. But to say I was supposed to go through it is not really compassion. After all, things could've gone a different way and I could've turned into a drug addict as a way to escape the pain. Would that have been meant to happen?

My point is, the world is complicated and there are a lot of factors that impact an outcome. We have control over some factors and not so much over others. There are infinite possibilities for an outcome, but it's a certain chain of events that happens to lead to one particular outcome. And part of that chain of events is our decision-making, that also has infinite possibilities, but we just happen to make a decision based on some factors at a moment in time. And science and certain simple reasons cannot be ignored. But perhaps we do that at times, if we want to deny responsibility. If I trip and fall and hurt myself, it's not because it was meant to be, but because I just happened to not be paying attention at the moment and there was a rock in my path.

And hopefully we choose to learn from outcomes and try to do things better the next time.
Very few outcomes are "right" or "wrong" and hopefully we can create our own meaning from them, so that we can achieve the only thing which we can know and can control: making the earth a better place for others.

Grief,

can often be the mother of creativity, critical thinking, and insight.